If you have ever spoken to a trusted friend, confidant, parent, sibling or partner about something bothering you or upsetting only to have them dismiss you with, “Oh, be positive!” this post is probably as much for you as it is for me.

My experience is that other people don’t want to hear complaints, problems or any sort of complications in another’s life. The frequent response is avoidance, in all its forms, including, “Oh be positive!” or “Don’t worry, it will all work out.” In the interim, one is left still consumed with worry or embroiled in the issue they hoped speaking to their friend, sibling or confidant, would bring relief from. Instead, we are left feeling unheard and shut down from expressing ourselves.

Fact is, though speaking to another person may bring temporary relief from a problem or issue faced, it seldom ever provides an antidote to it. Worse still, if done repeatedly, it causes an emotional dependancy on such friends etc and eventually, it may ruin those relationships.

It is important that we realise that often we expect other people to understand what we are feeling or going through, and we become disappointed when they don’t. In reality, no one else can really understand what we are going through, even if they went through a similar experience. The best of them may empathise with us (and the ability to empathise is becoming increasingly scarce and valuable in friends and those we relate to) but many others will simply stare back at you with glazed looks in their eyes as you pour your heart out to them. My advise: save yourself the double agony of pouring your heart out to someone who will never be able to receive you emotionally, and on top of that, dismiss your feelings as weakness, an inability to “pull your self together” or otherwise shun you for revealing the rawness in you, that you entrusted them with.

So, what does one do with one’s self in the face of fear, anxiety or challenges that cause us to feel sad? Before I answer this question, I would like to share my perspective on the myth of positivity.

Positivity does not mean always be happy and look at your circumstances or the world around you with rose-tinted glasses! Positivity does not mean never have fear or anxiety; never cry or feel hurt and heart-broken; never feel or express anger, grief or disappointment. Positivity is not a prescription to wholesale deny our pain and real feelings.

Positivity means seeing things for what they are. To be positive is simply to affirm a thing or state or feeling for what it is. And there is Power in acknowledging feelings and people for what they are. If one is hurt, the positive thing to do is to cry and release that hurt then pick one’s self up and carry on. Its how children do it each time they learn to walk or speak or any other new ability/skill. It is the only way to overcome grief or illness. Acknowledge it, experience it, heal from it and return to wellness. As long as we associate positivity to denial of what one is feeling or experiencing, we are dooming our selves to a lifetime dependency on drink, drugs, entertainment, work and any other escape that takes us away from the reality facing us. And there is little positive about that.

So, to answer the question posed above, the next time a friend, partner or sibling tells you, “Oh be positive!” in the face of frustrating, sad or trying circumstances, look them straight in the eye and tell them, “I am being positive, if only you will allow me to and not deny what I am going through because you are emotionally incapable of supporting me through it. I am facing the reality of my situation.”

It is important, however, to point out that often we have a tendency to wallow in self-pity and indulge feelings of woe. That’s not what I am encouraging at all. Neither am I encouraging throwing adult-tantrums at others for not indulging your self-pity or woe. Hate, spite, vindictiveness and punishing others for not doing what we want or expect is not acceptable behaviour. In fact, the feeling of hate only develops through the suppression of naturally feeling and expressing one’s sadness. Regular suppression of a person and their feelings over a prolonged period of time, causes one to build resentment, spite and eventually deep-seated hate towards the person, people, or entity suppressing them. Hate is not a natural emotion. Nor is vindictiveness, whatever its guise. Rather, they develop because of the prolonged suppression of our natural emotions.

It is, therefore, universally important that we allow ourselves to feel all our natural emotions including fear and sadness, regardless of whether they are shunned by others simply because they make them uncomfortable. If feeling sad was not ok, why did God give us tear ducts or create in us the ability to feel sad? Children feel sad and cry when uncomfortable or distressed. We too, as adults of varying ages will have occasion to feel sad in our lives and it is vital that we allow ourselves to feel our sadness and release it so that it does not build up resentment and hate in us. If young people, for instance, were allowed to effectively feel their feelings, and express themselves, they would not get frustrated and rebel or become violent and harm themselves. Fear is another natural emotion we are created to feel and it has positive uses. The suppression of fear or the indulgence in fear can, however, have disastrous effects both on the person and the society.

Feeling one’s sadness or fear and letting it go, is one of the most cathartic and positive experiences one can have in life. Don’t just believe me, TRY IT. Create a safe space for your self to feel your emotions, however best works for you, and try it.